Up-front, this post has nothing to do with running –
Actually, that’s a lie. Skip to the last sentence.
This is something that has been bugging me for a while now and I was going to save it for my Christmas photograph interlude but I’d better get it off my chest now.
The devil makes work for idle hands (and in this case idle minds) so that is what fills my mind as I cycle to work.
I have noticed, over time – in a way that bored men do, that the front face of all modern cars are now starting to look like sharks. Just look around you – they all have a gaping mouth and soulless eyes that look at you with a menacing stare.
Think about it – it’s not just muscle cars.
All the Audis
Ford are at it
Minis, Mitsubishis, Aston Martins, Volvos, Citroens, Ducati bikes, Kawasakis – the list is endless.
And if they don’t look like scavenging sharks they look like extras from an Animé cartoon – all bug-eyed and innocent.
I suppose if you work in the automotive industry you’ll explain that it’s all down to focus groups and crash protection for pedestrians.
My man-in-the-pub philosophy on this is that in our homogenised and emasculated world any outward display of virility is to be frowned upon.
If you’re not in empathising with the local childbirth trust and generally playing good dad you’re too unreconstructed for the 21st Century.
The only way for you to show people that you have balls these days is to get a car that does the posing for you. One that allows you to wear an anonymous suit and use moisturiser but that hints that you might be a man.
But it wasn’t always so. There was a time when men were men and their balls dragged off the ground.
No, not back to the dawn of Cro-Mangnon man.
Just the 1970’s
Above you you will see a photograph of an Alfa Romeo Montreal snapped last July in Italy.
This is what cars looked like in the 1970’s (if you weren’t driving a Renault 4).
As you can see this car has headlights with eye lashes.
How big would you balls have to be and how hairy your chest to turn up in the office car park with an unreliable Red Italian Car with eyelashes on it?
Well, if you consider that there is an inversely proportional relationship between the less sexy your mode of transport and the size of your balls then the shark-car drivers have no balls (to prove this just look at the drivers of big Audi jeeps – all people of the lady persuasion), the 1970’s Alfa Montreal driver has very big balls, I cycle a bike to work (specially adapted saddle :-)) and most of you use your feet to move about.
Thanks for reading you big balled, hairy chested, farting, super-men.